Jalal’s experience from Apostasy to Agnosticism

In 2017, N. Lewis and I co-researched and co-wrote ‘Hate Crimes in the UK against ex-Muslims: Experiences, Effects & Recommendations’ . The full report is enclosed at the bottom of the page.

Given recent attacks in France and ongoing, divisive violence, I wanted to draw attention to religious and other minorities silently suffering in communities where heterodoxy is not encouraged. In times of terror, the world has a tendency to become tribal and individuals are guilty by association. We often forget about those who live in fear that members of their own family, religious groups and communities could kill them for not wanting to stay within the remit of inherited circumstances.

‘Jaleel’ (Pseudonym, Pakistani background) 

Summary: ‘Jaleel’ is a covert apostate, who is agnostic. His journey was a gradual one, from strict  Islamic adherence at university, but with questions and doubts about Islamic treatment of women  and other issues, questions which became more forceful after 9/11. He recently left Islam altogether  in his heart, and he describes the mental anguish caused by seeking to break from what he calls the  indoctrination he was subjected to. He maintains an appearance of adherence to Islam chiefly to  protect his family from the pain of knowing the truth, but he is also well aware of the death penalty  many hold is the proper punishment for apostasy.  

‘Jaleel’ is a British Pakistani whose subscription to fundamental Islamic doctrine during his years at  University exposed him to a literal interpretation of Islam, unlike anything he had previously been  indoctrinated with. 

As I went to university I got involved straight away with the Islamic society and I was  very much Muslim and practising, but the things that didn’t sit well with me was the inequality  regarding women – it did bother me a bit. But my white friends would come along to our events and  ask questions like ‘’why are the women kept in separate rooms?’’ and I would say ‘’they just are’’. But  that kind of got me thinking, well why are women kept in separate rooms and why are women not  allowed an opinion, or if they have an opinion, why are they assumed to be of a certain character?’ 

Jaleel shoved such thoughts to the back of his mind, justifying that this treatment of women was  how it was in Islam, that women should be covered up and separated from men. 

‘I was very much tuned up into this fundamental kind of talk -all these kinds of Mufti men – I would listen to these kinds of lectures and go to these kinds of lectures, was very much tuned into  these Wahhabi kinds of movements. I had no idea what Wahhabi was before, I grew up in a culture  of , oh Wahhabis aren’t proper Muslims and they bring something else – I grew up in  a Barelvi environment. So when I got to uni I thought this is actually the pure Islam – the ‘’ are you  Salafi or Wahhabi?’’ – I was quite hard core.’ 

[Editors note – Wahhabi Islam is a kind of extreme Islam that comes out of and is strongly supported  by Saudi Arabia and is exceptionally puritanical. It is usually thought to be a subsect of Salafi Islam,  which is also pretty puritanical. Barelvi Islam is a form of Islam from the Indian subcontinent that  has especially strong devotion to the person of the Islamic prophet, but also has Sufi mystical  practices such as veneration of ‘saints’, and is often regarded as at best dubious by Salafi and  Wahhabi Muslims.] 

Jaleel would still struggle with Islamic opinion regarding women, in spite of efforts to pacify himself.  It wasn’t until the events of 9/11, when an explosion of scrutiny and exposure of the Islamic ideology  emerged on social media, that Jaleel found himself studying a religion he previously thought he was  already aware of. 

‘After 9/11 there was this bug: who are Muslims and what do they believe? When really we just grew  up learning how to pray and what to do and what not to do. It was dogma more than anything, we  were narrated Hadiths about how wonderful the prophet was and why he did such things. He was so  beautiful and his lifestyle was amazing, but we never read the Bukhari texts or any of the hadith  books. But after 9/11 I still had these niggling doubts, but I still believed Islam was peaceful. Then I’d  visit a lot of forums -social media was becoming a big thing and people were posting a lot of stuff – I’d go to these pages where the majority of these people were racists or bigots who didn’t like  anybody else other than themselves. They held arguments against the Muslims and I would read a couple of times that the prophet was a paedophile and that really hurt me so I didn’t want to go  back, but slowly I did keep going back and maybe I did kind of like reading those kind of things. I  didn’t want to believe it was true but I saw that someone had posted a link to authentic Bukhari texts  regarding the life of Muhammad. We had all those books at home so I looked these verses up.’ 

Jaleel’s research into the life of a Prophet he had been led to believe was a solely a moral figure  destroyed him mentally. He recalled his pain during attending an Islamic lecture with  his friends, whilst grappling with his fresh discovery, yet continued to pacify and justify certain  actions of Muhammad. 

‘I read that he married Ayesha at six then consummated it at nine, it didn’t sit well with me at all. I would  watch programmes and people online trying to defend it : ‘’oh it was the norm back then,  7th century Arabia, nothing abnormal about it as this is what happened then’’. But once I opened  that can of worms, I couldn’t turn back. Again, I read about the Battle of Khaybar where Saffiyah was  taken and the marriage was consummated that very night and that didn’t sit well with me at all. My  whole life I had been told the prophet married his wives to make ties with them, to make ties  with these various tribes and people but really she didn’t have a choice- she was forced to convert to  Islam after her whole family had been killed – so how could that have been consensual? It made no  sense, so suddenly from then I was on a rocky road.’ 

[Editors note : The Battle of Khaybar is one in which the Islamic prophet defeated some Jewish  tribes, and massacred one particular tribe, the Banu Nadir, taking the women and children as slaves / prisoners of war. Saffiyah was a Jewish teenage woman of that tribe, the daughter of the tribal  chief, who had been killed in battle with the Muslims the year before, and was a renowned beauty.  At Khaybar, her husband was beheaded, and she was brought past the body to the Islamic prophet,  who offered her freedom if she would marry him, which she did. A frequent chant at some Islamic  events is ‘Khaybar, khaybar ya yahud, jaish muhammad saya’ud,’ meaning, ‘Khaybar, Khaybar, O  Jews, Mohammad’s army will return.’ In addition, because a Jewish woman poisoned Muhammed,  which eventually led to his death, it is also associated with depicting Jews as treacherous people.] 

Jaleel eventually made the move to leave Islam in August/September of last year after a long  struggle. 

‘These doubts would keep coming and I’d pray and pray – I still do, I still feel guilty – the  indoctrination isn’t something that you can leave so quickly. It’s an amalgamation of these things  and the actions of Muhammad that led me to think this can’t be the truth. Wife beating is  considered ok, a woman’s witness is only half of a man’s. Don’t get me wrong, there are certain good  things in the Quran, Muhammad did some good things but he also did some very terrible things  which [mean] I can’t then say he’s the role model of society – or my role model.’ 

Jaleel isn’t fazed by the theology side of things, as his agnosticism ensures he isn’t bothered by  whether God does truly exist. However, as a Muslim he would find himself feeling the need to justify  God’s existence to himself. Jaleel currently chooses to remain closeted and remains happier for  doing so. 

The only place I’m out is social media to people who don’t know me. I would attend these meet- up  groups, free thinkers, ex -muslims groups – with others of like mind. But coming out to my  community, there is absolutely no way for the absolute obvious reason. It’s not a huge community  but a close-knit one and it would destroy everything I love. I love my family: there’s  this assumption that you have to leave your family once you’re an ex-Muslim, but that’s not true. My  family are not bad people, they just happened to grow up with this, but I can’t come out with it because it would literally destroy everything and I wouldn’t want to do that to my family,  my parents. The easier way out is not to say anything – yeah I may have to go through the motions  but it doesn’t hurt me in any way. But what does bother me sometimes is when people praise  Muhammad so much and I think ‘’ if you were to read this and that you might change your mind’’ .’ 

Jaleel’s current convictions towards his former faith are largely due to the spotlight shone on Islam  in recent times. ‘Islam was not under the microscope back then, like it is now. What it means to be a  Muslim now comes more from ‘’the Quran says this, the Hadith says that’’. It goes beyond the basics  – whereas Muslims generations ago would have no idea what was in the Quran. They were taught to  read it and eloquently so, but they couldn’t understand it. I mean, I could read the Quran yet didn’t  understand it. But back then, being taught how to pray, how to fast was what Islam meant  generations ago. Islam is not a religion anyway, it’s a cult where so many things are dogmatic. Give  me a reasonable reason – when kids are being butchered in Syria – why Allah would care which foot I  step into the toilet with or which hand I wipe myself with? It’s totalitarian – you’re told about what to  do and how to do it and you cannot leave. I suppose it’s the same in all religions but not to this effect,  there’s a death penalty for apostasy and there’s a lot of people who believe that openly which is very  scary. There’s all these British people who have all these kinds of views.’ 

Yet whilst Jaleel has formally abandoned his prior ideological belief, the psychological scarring is  very much a thing of his present. 

‘I don’t think it’s an easy thing to change – that’s the problem. You can’t and it’s passed down  and its how people learn. So many of these people come from places like Pakistan, where Islam is the  be all and end all and that’s all they know. They come here and preach it and it’s what kids learn. I  still feel so guilty, it really messes you , you really need to speak to someone. I feel guilty  for questioning and leaving it, but also guilty for ever believing it; this man took sex slaves, married  children and killed innocent just because he wanted to spread his ideology. Your mind is imprisoned  by this and psychologically you can’t really move on even leaving it. I still can’t bring myself to eat  non-halal food, it’s a big thing for me at the moment as I’m still a new ex-Muslim. The indoctrination  isn’t just a word, but a real thing that affects people. I have nothing against Muslims, there are some  great Muslims! But Islam is cultish and makes you do some crazy things, so rightfully people are  starting to leave. This one book ruins many people’s lives.’ 

Jaleel continues to live as a closeted ex-Muslim to his family and close community, but feels happier  for choosing to do so, as he is convinced open admission of his agnostic status would severely hurt  his loved ones. Given that he believes nobody knows what the heart believes anyway, he doesn’t see  the point in coming out of his closet any time soon.


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